I’m back, everyone! *explodes onto the blogosphere with dark chocolate* For everyone who was excited that I was taking a hiatus: TOO BAD FOR YOU, BECAUSE I’M BAAAACK! *evil laughter*

Okay, okay, joking aside, I did say in my last post that I would tell you guys why I’ve been on hiatus. Part of it was because I really had to get a writing project done (it was due at the end of January), and I needed to focus all my attention on that.

But . . .

There’s another reason why I was gone. And to explain properly, I need to open myself up a bit more than I’m comfortable with. Because this is something that I’ve needed to get off my chest, but I’ve never been quite sure how.

I’ve mentioned it before. It’s this little thing called “self-doubt.”

so yes, this is going to be one of those “raw post” things that keep floating around the Internet. Bear with me here, I’m not quite sure how to do this yet.

I feel like self-doubt isn’t something that people actively talk about. Usually, it’s depression, or social anxiety - which, don’t get me wrong, that’s a great thing to talk about! It’s awesome to see people finding the courage to talk about their struggles with these things. But I always felt somewhat isolated in the self-doubt department.

Lately, I’ve begun watching The Flash (no spoilers in the comments! I’ve only seen the first couple episodes), and one of the things that I love about it is that Barry doubts himself constantly. For me, he is one of the first characters that I’ve seen who really struggles with it, and those parts where his self-doubt showed through resonated with me on a deeper level.

come on, you knew a Flash GIF was necessary

I mentioned in my 2018 wrap-up post that I’d been having a lot of self-doubt issues last year. A lot of it was geared towards my aspiring writing career and just that area of my life in general. I still feel like a lot of those insecurities are still lurking in the back of my mind, but for now, they’re pushed so far back that they don’t regularly come up anymore.

You see, for me, there are two types of doubt. There’s the healthy doubt that comes up, the healthy bit of nervousness. This type of doubt can actually be quite helpful, as it can help you focus on what’s important and reassess what’s important. I have this doubt when I’m thinking through what homework I have.

Then there’s the other kind of doubt, and this is the one that pretends to be like the first kind, but always turns out to be more malicious. This is the one that leaves you crying in your bedroom as soon as you come inside because you’re scared of the future, scared that what you’re doing right now is so utterly wrong, you’ll never be able to come back from it.

This is the kind of doubt I’ve been having for just under a year now. It takes everything you’ve done wrong and shoves it back in your face. It makes you think that maybe what you’ve been set on for a long time is bad, and wrong, and associated with it everything negative.

I’m not sure what causes this - at least for me. It’s probably a lot of different things combined into one: indecisiveness, fear, and a need of validation. But it’s not just something you can shake off. Believe me. I tried. A lot.


When I took a step back and seriously looked at my life, I realized that my self-doubt has permeated a lot of areas in my life that I had thought were perfectly fine. One of the major ones was my personal opinions.

(Note: in the rest of this post, when I say “opinions,” I’m talking about really insignificant opinions, like what books I like, and not “what are your beliefs about God, the universe, and everything that could give you an existensial crisis.”)

I noticed that whenever I would talk to people, and they would voice an opinion that I already had a stance on . . . well, the conversation would go a little something like this:

PERSON: Oh, I hate Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief! That book is just plain awful.
ME: *thinking, “Wait a second. Oh shoot. They hate that book. But - I like it. WHAT DO I SAY???”*
ME: Oh, *cough*, um, well, I can see why you think that . . . *changes topic of conversation*
Later
ME: *reading Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief*
ME: but wait, what if they’re right, and this book really is trash?
ME: well, I guess since they think so, I should think so too!

Yes, I know, this thought process sounds really stupid, and yes, it’s a little exaggerated. But I think you get the picture.


I feel like I have to conform my opinions to what everyone else thinks. And it’s a really weird feeling, to look at a couple books on your bookshelf and be unsure about what you should think about them, just because someone voiced a differing opinion.

Again, part of this is self-doubt, and part of this is my non-confrontational attitude. But I always doubt whether my opinion is “right” or not.

And that’s why I went on hiatus; I needed to get away from as many opinions as I could, so I could figure out what I truly did like and dislike. 

So, before I close this really angsty and depressing post, I want to say this:

I didn’t write this so that I would get attention. I wrote this because this is the post I needed last year, when the worst of my self-doubt was hitting me. If anyone else is going through something like my experience, here’s a couple things that might help:

-Pray. God knows what He’s doing with your life. Just trust him. I promise, He will reveal His plan to you in due time. You just have to wait.

-Journal/Do some sort of self-examination. Just allow yourself to breathe, get away from everything, and just write what you feel like writing. Be who God wanted you to be. Journaling was how I released my uncertainty.

-Talk to someone. I really really wish that I had talked to someone specifically about this. But I still asked people I trusted for advice about issues relating to my self-doubt, and those talks always made me feel just a little more confident in what I was doing.

-Don’t expect immediate results. Seriously, as much as people say “You can reinvent yourself!” any change will take a while to settle in. I still have to check myself and say, “No, wait, you’re letting their opinions dominate your opinions. Stop it.”

-Know this: You can’t always trust yourself, but you CAN always trust God.

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Well, if you made it all the way to the end of this post, congratulations! *deep breath*

As far as I can see, my hiatus is over for now. I’ve got some exciting things planned (including next week’s post, which will FINALLY be writing related!).

But I’m back! And I can’t wait!

-Nicole