Happy Sunday!

Yes, I did just name this post after a Newsies lyric. I might quote it again later. I might not. ;)

ANYways, today I wanted to get a little bit more serious. I haven't really shared a "serious," "personal" post in a while. And like the title says, there are going to be some changes around here.

But first, I have to expose some personal information.

*gasps*

also, prepare for rambles. lots of them. 

I don't really talk about what grade of school I'm in. It's always felt kind of personal, and I'm very paranoid about internet stalkers.

But I'm going to tell you today:

In four days, I start my first day as a college freshman.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I am experiencing utter terror. 

College has always been this far-off thing for me. As I went through grade school, I had the mindset that college was a lifetime away, that I'd never really reach it.

Quarantine hasn't helped that mindset either. Real life seems so far away right now. Heck, I can barely remember the last time I stepped inside an actual school. XD

And now I leave in four days.

I've been thinking about college a lot this summer [read: freaking out]. And I really wanted this summer to be The Most Amazing Perfect Send-Off Ever. So at the beginning of April, I spontaneously wrote out a list of goals I wanted to achieve before I left.

One thing about spontaneous goals: I usually regret making them a few days later. And I'll usually change them.

But I almost never achieve them. 

I wanted to write the entire Inhumans duology this summer. Then I decided to write an entirely different book (which you can learn about here).

I wanted to start learning Japanese. But I stuck with Korean, the language with which I have slightly more experience. and then I ditched learning a language a few weeks in anyways, so it didn't really matter

I wanted to reread all my Middle-earth books. Here we are, and I have read mayyyybe fifty pages of the Fellowship of the Ring?

And I wanted to start a YouTube channel. *starts laughing* Yeah, Past Me didn't really anticipate what Crushing Comparisons can do to a person. And it wasn't like I had any extra time for it anyways. although I miiiiight be uploading a badly-shot-and-edited vid soon, sooooo yeah ;)

However.

Looking back on those goals, I don't regret failing over half of them. (Out of my nine goals, I really only achieved two.) I don't regret it at all.

You want to know what I learned during the last 100 or so days of trying to complete these goals?

I learned that it's really hard to edit videos on the iPad iMovie software.

I learned that learning an instrument requires time, practice, and the willingness to let your fingers hurt.

I learned that late nights can be fantastic - in moderation.

I learned that spontaneous trips with friends are the best kinds of trips.

I learned that I'm not the most talented person in the world, and that's okay.

I learned that working hard isn't the worst thing to ever happen to you.

But the biggest thing I learned?

I cannot live without creating some kind of story - whether it's writing novels, playing music, or journaling about my favorite characters. I don't feel right unless I'm telling stories. And honestly, that is the validation that I needed. Not that I was some super-talented writer or anything like that.

Because if I've got that need to create, I will create. Even if it's bad or cringey or amateur-level. And at some point, I will get better.

What does any of that last part have to do with college? honestly, I don't know either, but let me try to come up with a transition anyway

For the longest time, I thought that I had to be perfect when I went to college. I had to have everything together, because everyone else would. I had to be a perfect writer, a perfect student, a perfect person. And my last summer had to be picture-perfect. Right?

Yeah, I'm finally realizing that this is not how the world works. The odds that all my classmates have everything together are practically nonexistent. In fact, literally no one has it together. I am not the odd one out here. And let's not even talk about how 2020 threw all our picture-perfect dreams out the window and blew them up.

But a part of me still feels that way, that I'm not good enough to go to college.

*shrugs* Yeah, it sounds pretty stupid, but you should hear the other stupid stuff my brain comes up with. Especially late at night. XD

I wish I could have a definitive ending statement about that, a nice and easy sentence wrapping up my thoughts. But my thoughts are anything but wrapped up right now. I don't know how this is going to go, or how it's going to end. We'll just have to watch what happens, I guess.

And now the part that you really care about. What changes will come to this blog?

*sigh* I don't know. I really don't know, guys. I have 0 clue how much time I'll have to write blog posts in college. One of my goals was to prewrite all my fall semester posts.

That was not one of the two goals I accomplished. XD

I can tell you this much: there won't be a post next Sunday. I'd like to have one less thing to worry about as I experience my first weekend away from home.

After that . . . we'll see. Who knows, maybe I'll post YouTube videos, maybe I'll be more active on my Instagram, or maybe I'll just disappear from the Internet and make you all think I'm dead. although as far as I know, that contact form I have on the side still works. and my Instagram DMs are always open - I do check those <3

And yes, I know the season for hiatuses was last month, but I've always been fashionably late to everything. ;) so what else is new?

Anyways, with any luck, I'll be back to posting again by the end of the month. We'll just have to wait and see.

But even if it takes a few months, I'll be back here. I love you guys too much not to. <3 <3

-Nicole <3

So (if you're comfortable with sharing) who's going to college? Anyone else have issues with setting spontaneous goals? What are your plans for this school year? Let's talk! <3