white space // aka why did I decide my return post should be surreal
January 07, 2024
it's been so long, I'm not sure if I remember how to do this. let's see what happens—
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The white space sits, vast, silent, and empty. Nothing moves; nothing breathes. Just a void of whiteness spanning as far as the eye can see. Not that any eye sees it.
It sits, almost as thought it is waiting for someone, though of course it can't really do that. It's just a void, after all.
Yet the space seems too empty. It was not made to be this silent, this vacant. Something needs to happen, but nothing does.
So although time moves on outside, steady and strong, the stillness of the white space remains, unchanging and lonesome.
Just white space, Just silence. Just empt—
"Hello?"
A solitary figure pops into existence, materializing into where there had once been only white void. At the sound of her voice, a single word appears, floating up high.
"Hello?" she calls again. "Is anyone there?"
The void has no consciousness, and so it does not respond. But four more words join the first up above.
The girl laughs softly to herself and looks around. "Yeah, I guess not. Was worth a shot, though." She sighs. "It's been way too long since I've been here."
She sets off at a soft stride through the white space, ignoring the words appearing as she speaks. "Sorry. I did mean to come back earlier. I really did. I think I even promised that in the last post I wrote. But . . ." She trails off, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I don't even have a good excuse, honestly. It's not like anything huge happened this year that prevented me from blogging. I just didn't blog."
A beanbag chair pops into existence, and she sits down on it. "I mean, it wasn't for lack of trying. I drafted a solid, what, seven blog posts this year? Which isn't a lot, but it's still something. But I just . . . never published them for whatever reason."
A block of text appears in front of her, scrolling before her like the end credits of a movie. She smiles, but a sad nostalgia lingers in her eyes. "I miss blogging, but more and more I feel like that girl who blogged so much in 2019 and 2020 isn't me anymore. She had . . . interesting thoughts, actually. Meanwhile it seems like I can barely write a coherent sentence anymore." She laughs again, and the scrolling text vanishes.
"Maybe it is time for me to give up blogging."
Most of the other things the girl has said have been muted in the white space. But these words ring in the air, like an echo chamber, and when their text counterparts appear, they seem bolder. She listens to their sound fade before speaking again.
Most of the other things the girl has said have been muted in the white space. But these words ring in the air, like an echo chamber, and when their text counterparts appear, they seem bolder. She listens to their sound fade before speaking again.
"I mean, it's not exactly news that the blogosphere isn't what it once was. Most of the bloggers I met when I started have stopped blogging and moved on to other endeavors. Which is fine! But . . . I also do miss the community that once was here. Not that my absence has particularly helped to solve that, but . . ." She trails off again and sighs.
"I guess I let my insecurities catch up with my blog." She stands from the beanbag chair and paces in front of it, fidgeting with her hands. "And I'm not quite sure how to fix that yet, except to start blogging again.
"But I can't blog like everyone else. I don't have the deep theological or philosophical thoughts that they do—or that I tried to have when I first started blogging. But maybe that's okay. I don't know. It doesn't feel like enough, though.
"Maybe it's not enough."
Like before, those last words ring more loudly than the others, their text counterparts lingering below just a hair longer than usual.
She sighs. "It's too quiet in here. There used to be so much color, you know? So much teal."
She pauses.
She pauses.
"How do I even start blogging again? I feel like I've forgotten how. How do I turn my half-formed thoughts into coherent blog posts? Is it even worth it?"
The text hovering above her head nearly resembles a storm cloud.
"Why did I even start this blog anyways?"
A moment of stillness, and then new text appears in front of her. This text is different. The letters almost seem to pop out of their straight lines, to ring with almost-spoken sounds. Teal squiggles pop out of the words, flitting away and vanishing. She squints and leans forward to read it.
"But the biggest thing I learned? I cannot live without creating some kind of story - whether it's writing novels, playing music, or journaling about my favorite characters. I don't feel right unless I'm telling stories."
"Did I write that?" the girl muses. "Wow, that was back in . . . 2020." She laughs. "How did I manage to lose my way since then?"
She thinks for a moment. "Maybe . . . maybe if I just focused on that, maybe if I didn't try to be the Smartest Person Ever™ [yes, she says the ™ out loud] or try to be 110% correct about everything, and if I just wrote about stories—maybe that's what I can do."
She nods to herself. "It won't be life-changing, but maybe it doesn't have to be. Not many people will read it anymore, but maybe large audiences aren't the most important thing. Maybe genuine community is."
She thinks about that a bit more, putting her hand to her chin. The quote still hovers before her.
"Welp," she finally says. "It won't be the same, but I guess one more try can't hurt, can it?"
Headphones and a laptop appear by her feet. She sits back in the beanbag chair, puts the headphones on, and flips the laptop open. "It's been far too long," she says, and she presses Enter.
And a single musical note rings out in the white space, and suddenly it doesn't feel so empty anymore.
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if this is the weirdest hiatus return blog post you've ever seen . . . yeah, it's the weirdest one I've ever seen, too XD I'm not sure what happened here.
anyways, hello once more :) I promise nothing consistent, and I'm still trying to rediscover my blogging voice, so things might be a little odd around here for a bit until I work that out.
maybe I'll vanish after this again. but there's only one way to find out, and it's if I post something.
special thanks to the Omori soundtrack for giving me the necessary vibes for this XD
love you, and hopefully see you soon ;) let me know how you've been doing in the comments! it's been far too long.
-Nicole <3
10 comments
OMG MY NICOLE IS BACK!!!! I'VE MISSED YOU SO SO MUCH *tackle hugs*
ReplyDeleteBlogging definitely isn't the same as it was, but there will always be room for your thoughts <3 I'm so glad you're back and I can't wait to see what else you have to share with us, no matter what it is.
FAITH!!! HELLO, HELLO! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH TOO *is happily tackle-hugged*
DeleteGlad to be back <3 <3
NICOLE! *tackle-glomps* The DELIGHT I got seeing a post from you appear on my dashboard. I loved all of this SO. MUCH!!!
ReplyDeleteI, too, miss those blogging glory days and the amazing community it formed. But I still love reading posts of ALL kind and am so, so happy you're back and will be sharing your thoughts again. I always love hearing what you have to say!
And excuse me but this was an absolutely epic and meaningful return post. So much of what you said rang true for me as well. This was so beautiful and relatable.
Thank you for sharing your words! I cannot wait to see what else you share. <3
CHRISTINEE!!! *hugs tightly* The delight *I* got seeing a Christine comment!! <3 <3
DeleteYes, absolutely agreed—there are still posts being written and I am devouring them ALL. XD
Aw, I'm glad to hear that! Glad to be back! <3
This is beautiful, Nicole! <3
ReplyDeleteI love it as a return post, but I also love it as a meditation or consideration or...y'know, whatever.
Because I feel much the same way, in many ways. I feel like I can barely string words together into a post, like my thoughts aren't as deep as they once were, and I do dearly miss the blogging community that /was/...it feels like it used to be so much bigger and brighter than it is now.
And yet, for some reason, I keep blogging. I keep stringing inconsequential words together and hope that someone will read them. I'm not sure why...but I do think that if I didn't do that, something in me would miss it dearly, very dearly.
So, I'm so happy to have you back! (At least for now.) So good to have you rejoin the small circle of us who are still putting our word-strings out into the universe. <3
Thank you so much, Samantha! <3 <3 (and, for what it's worth, your blog posts are far from inconsequential words—they make my day every time I see them in my post feed, and they're always thought-provoking in the best ways <3)
Deleteso glad you're back, nicole! i'm here for whatever you post - it's so great to hear from you again! i'm doing okay - it's been a time of transition and change, but overall good!
ReplyDeleteSo good to see you, Allison! And I'm glad to hear you're doing okay despite this time of transition—praying for you, friend <3
DeleteSo glad to see you back, for one post or many, Nicole! :) I am a (mostly) silent reader who really enjoys your words, including the rambles on animes I've never seen and the surreal return posts (which I actually thought was a kinda cool format XD).
ReplyDeleteAnd that feeling that you can't have deep thoughts, and even if you do, it's far more mental energy than you possess to string them together into coherent paragraphs? I. Feel. That. But like...I enjoy just talking with my friends about books. Whether in real life or online. Just...being happy about stories that we both enjoy. Or both hate. Or whatever, y'know? Not everything HAS to be deep. I can just ramble about stories or characters on my blog when and how I feel like it and...that's enough.
Anyway. Thanks for this post. And I'm so glad to see you back, and I hope you'll post again maybe, but regardless I hope you keep interacting with stories in the way God made you to, and I wish you all success in life! <3
Sarah! Hello! So good to see you! <3 (haha, thank you! XD)
DeleteThank YOU for your comment - this might sound weird, but I actually really needed to hear that <3 (and you may have inspired a blog post. we’ll see if it gets written XD) “I can just ramble about stories or characters on my blog when and how I feel like it and...that's enough.” I love that - and may I just say that I love your rambles on your blog, and just the fact that *you’re* the one talking about these things makes it enough.
So yes. You’re a wonderful person, Sarah. <3 <3
Welcome to the comment section! I love hearing what you guys think and seeing you guys talk. Just remember to keep it clean, and as always, check back for my replies! <3
-Nicole